Welcome 2010!!

As I was thinking about what to write to summarize 2009, I also noticed it's the end of a decade! In some ways I've come a long way since January 1, 2000: graduating high school, going on a mission, getting two degrees; but in other ways it seems like I'm stuck in time. Oh well. I guess my next post will have to deal with the passing decade of the "'00's". On to 2010!

Like my previous post, it seems half the year was dominated by negative things while the latter half seemed to have enough positive things to give me a better feeling about the year and hopes heading into 2010. Much of what I mentioned in my heroes and villains list will be mentioned here as well.

I began the year worried sick about student teaching, which started at the end of January. In the end, I was able to pass and do well enough, though it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. There were too many days I had to completely force myself to go to school because I was completely unmotivated. It wasn't that I didn't like the students or being a teacher, but student teaching is all the stress of actual teaching, with the added stress of constant observation and feeling like you are being measured not by how good a teacher you are but how well you emulate the cooperating teacher and/or supervisor's methods. Added to that other coursework I was taking during student teaching as part of my master's degree and outside stresses, and I have concluded it was by the grace of God that I finished it. By the end I got more into a rhythm and as I said, I really enjoyed the students I worked with. But all in all, I'm glad it's OVER. It ended April 26. I'm glad I will never have to student teach again.

Left: Last day of student teaching at Southeast Middle School (April 24)

leading the 7th grade choir in warmups; Right: MAT poster presentations

with my good friends Mari and Erica (one of my 2009 Heroes!!) at the KSU

student center in May. I finished my poster amidst a mostly empty

house as this was just a few days before we moved.

2009 also began with our home being placed on the market by our mortgage company (GMAC who just got ANOTHER $3.8 billion in bailout assistance...GRRRRR) to avoid it going to foreclosure. So, while I was student teaching, when I was home, I occasionally had to deal with prospective buyers who wanted to tour the house. There were multiple times the real-estate company wanted us to leave a key for them. Sure...open my home and everything in it to complete strangers. Riiiiiight. I had enough of a problem with it WHILE we were home. I think we had 3 or 4 in the three months it was on the market. We were told if it didn't sell in 90 days, then it would go into foreclosure and we'd be out sometime in the summer or early fall. As I blogged the day I found out, it was sold to our neighbors (who made my 2009 Villains list for this purchase!) for a fraction of what it was worth. Initially, GMAC wanted us out in like 2 weeks, but my dad was able to get us a month; and we needed every day of it.

Losing the house was more traumatic than I ever thought it would be. I secretly cried in the bathroom at my brother's apartment in Maryland the day I found out we were losing it. During the whole process I was rarely sad about it, but instead I was furious. I still find myself angry over the whole thing. Basically, the people affected most by everyone else's actions -- my mom, my sister, and myself -- had no say in anything and had the least amount of resources to do much else. It was frustrating to say the least. Thank goodness for family and friends who helped not only physically but mentally as well. Having a place that I considered mine ripped away from me was very difficult. I still find myself having dreams about being back there knowing it isn't ours but we still have stuff there and it's time to be gone and we still have so much to move. I haven't been back in our old neighborhood since we left May 14th and I don't know when or if I ever will go back. Something very personal and important was taken away from me and turned into something else.

Left: The house in happier days back in Spring '08; Right: The empty living

room one last time on May 14 right before we left

Having my graduation delayed until August was pretty rough too. I found out right as we were heading down the home stretch in moving and finishing student teaching. It was like my world was completely unraveling. I had already bought my robes and hood for commencement (which I never used) and had invited family to come. And then to find that everything that needed to be taken care of was little more than changing paperwork and could only be done by my absent-minded advisor (but of course the College of Ed claimed it was completely my fault) made it even worse. I finished my final project for my graduate class amidst a mostly empty house but still tons of stuff still needing to be packed and moved.

The good thing that came out of me not graduating was, of course, that Mom and I were able to attend Heather's graduation from medical school. That was a HUGE diversion from the stress we had just endured and was a welcome change of scenery even if it was just for a few days. My Spring Break trip down there was also a lot of fun and was a major highlight of the year. It came after several weeks of school and no major break (like 5 or 6 straight) so I was sooooo ready for it. I was able to make two more visits to Andy and Heather in '09, including a late-July trip to their new home in Nashville and a return trip with my sister Katie for Thanksgiving. Both trips were welcome breaks from the same-old-same-old here and a chance to relax.

Left: finishing off the extra frosting with Andy & Heather April 6...I would

find out the next day the house had been sold; Right: walking the streets of

Baltimore after Heather's graduation May 15.

Left: In front of the Parthenon in Nashville with Andy & Heather August 4;

Right: Thanksgiving at Andy & Heather's November 26.

Two of the biggest thrills for me this year were the shows I was able to be in: This is Kirtland! and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I knew coming into the year I wanted to do This is Kirtland! again, but Joseph, as I mentioned in a previous post, was something that just kind of fell into my lap. This is Kirtland! filled an important role as practices had just started not too long before we finished moving. Having rehearsal -- and later the performances -- was a wonderful distraction from what was going on here with moving and then unpacking and adjusting. Joseph proved to be a nice distraction, but not nearly as much mostly because I had already adjusted; it was more a help in dealing with not having a full-time job. But even then, both were things I enjoyed going to because I was doing what I love to do (perform) and I was around people in both casts that were easy to get along with and enjoyable to be around.

Left: Opening scene of This is Kirtland! as Sidney Rigdon;

Right: in my costume as Pharaoh with Amanda Davis (Narrator)

and Aaron Darr (Joseph) after the final performance of Joseph

December 20 at Weathervane Playhouse

Left: With Sarah Bailey (left), director of Joseph and Melanie YC Pepe,
producer of Joseph and director of the After School program for

Weathervane after the final show of Joseph December 20 after 2

shows and striking the set! WHEW!; Right: with the kids that played

my children in This is Kirtland! in front of the real Kirtland Temple July 24.

There were other wonderful events I was glad to be a part of this year, like my trip to Cleveland with Michelle to see Ohio State crush Toledo 38-0 at Cleveland Browns Stadium on September 19 (my first OSU game since 1996) and the amazing ward Christmas Sacrament program just a few days ago where I was able to sing O Holy Night and direct the choir. Of course I also enjoyed having some time to explore Kent history both reading and getting tons of pictures. Not only was the weather fantastic this summer, but I actually had the time to do something about it. I also really enjoyed getting to sub in Kent this Fall and work in the Akron Public Schools through Weathervane as part of the district's Akron After School enrichment program teaching theater games for an hour 5 times a week. Not only did I get to meet some great teachers and administrators at the school I worked at and at Weathervane, but I also made some good friends who were working in the After School program and in Joseph (love ya Marie, Robyn, and Melanie!).

Left: Michelle and me at Cleveland Browns Stadium for the

Ohio State-Toledo game September 19; Right: me with Marie Smith

at Friendly's after the final Joseph show December 20. Marie worked

in the crew of Joseph and was also a teacher in the After School

program with me. We had a lot of fun swapping stories from

our schools and after a show at a certain Applebees ;)

Of course one of the biggest thrills for me this year was getting to finally be an uncle. It will only be surpassed when I finally become a dad. I was excited for my nephew Nathan to be born, but getting to meet him this Christmas was so wonderful. It made Christmas, which at times was less than thrilling, a little less boring. Like I blogged last year, Christmas isn't as magical as it used to be for a variety of reasons, but having a baby in my arms for much of it made it a little more magical (especially at my Ridinger grandparents' house where we basically watch the younger cousins open presents) even though he slept through pretty much all of Christmas at both places! I'm hoping to be able to go visit Utah at the end of March.

Some various pics of me with Nate while he was here in Kent. The middle

picture is me trying out his Christmas present before I gave it to him :D

Left: How Nate and I spent most of Christmas at Derbys in the morning and

then at Ridingers (center) that afternoon!! Right: An update of me and

my sibs, December 31.

Living in exile

One of the downsides of having lots of time is being able to really think about stuff maybe a little too much. It's been over a month since we moved, yet I'm still not totally over the move and what happened. As I said in an earlier post, it will be awhile before I'm really "over it." That's not to say it dominates my life right now, but it's never really far out of my thoughts. I've had frequent dreams we're still at the house packing with limited time or we're back there knowing it isn't our house anymore trying to get things we left there by accident. For people who have never gone through something like this, it is hard to understand why it was basically so traumatic to go through. On top of being thrown out of my own home of 26 years, I am someone who has great attachments to things, especially something that has been a part of me for so long. The fact that something so personal-- not only my house but my little area of the world, my refuge-- was taken from me without my consent makes it even worse. I now have a small idea of what it's like to be exiled.

That's not to say we were truly exiled, but in a way we were. We were forced out and cannot return. Of course we can go drive past it or even knock on the door, but that's it. It's not ours anymore. I have chosen to not even go into our old neighborhood, though I drive past it every once and awhile. The last two times I have driven past the road that goes into our old neighborhood I couldn't help but think about everything. The local Wal-Mart is nearly within viewing distance of our old house, close enough that when it opened in the mid 1990's we could ride our bikes there. So, when I have had to go to that store, I have to drive right past our old neighborhood. I try not to think about it all since I have other things to worry about-- mainly finding a job-- but inevitably I do and it's usually very painful feelings of sadness and anger. I am definitely learning a lot about the concept of forgiveness and it is not at all easy. Not only do I still harbor bad feelings towards the main culprits, GMAC, but also most everyone involved: the real estate agent and most certainly our ex-neighbors who bought the house. True, they were just "doing their job" but so were the Nazi death camp guards. So yeah, I basically all consider them as accomplices, so I really don't have more animosity towards one than the other. In the end, the almighty dollar soundly defeated humanity yet again. I do think not having to deal with them on a personal basis has made it harder to move on. I really don't have such feeling towards my dad even though he arguably played as much a role in this as anyone. The difference is that I still see and talk to dad, so moving on has been much easier. On top of that he actually has expressed remorse for what happened and actually helped us move. The same cannot be said for the other parties involved.

So yeah, this blog is helping me express my feelings about the whole thing and hopefully move on. I've decided the only way I will ever set foot in my old neighborhood again is if I am buying our old house back. Going back now would be far too painful, especially since I haven't moved into my own place yet, so I have nothing to say "well, I'm better off now than when we lived there." I think here I just need some time and some positive experiences to really help me move on and "get over it."

Lessons learned

Essentially, the whole moving crisis is over now, though I'd hardly say I am all settled and used to everything. I guess I'm lucky in a way my old neighborhood isn't right off the main road so I don't have to drive past the house and see it ever again if I don't want to. At this point I have no intention of doing so as it would hurt to much to see my house and my yard changed and in someone else's possession. I was reminded, though, on Friday when Mom and I were going to my piano lessons about what's going on there as she had to stop over there earlier in the day to look for some old books she left there. Apparently, our "poor" ex-neighbors who basically made it sound like they had to scrape together every last cent to buy our house for next-to-nothing, have enough money to replace such necessities as the back door, do work on the floors, and replace at least some appliances (all of our appliances were working...older yes, but hardly on their last leg). Call me stupid, but usually when you have just enough money you focus on absolute necessities like the roof getting fixed and such and maybe fixing the leaking basement?? She said they were "upset" that when I took the front porch flood light off I "left" the two wires touching and "could've burned the house down." Perhaps, but most likely it would've shorted out and tripped the circuit box IF they had turned on the switch, though turning it on would have been for no reason since there was no light in the other socket attached to that switch. They're just mad I took the light (and the garage light too). Honestly, at this point, if that house burns down or a tornado passes through it I wouldn't shed a tear because I totally feel like they'd deserve it. Call it revenge, call it anger, but it's how I feel. It would make me feel like "I'm glad we got out of there when we did." I didn't have any sympathy for their sob story to "save" the house from possibly being turned into a college rental (could've happened, but unlikely) and getting it for her poor son who lost his job. Cry me a river. And of course, the people who LIVED there (us) and had a high level of sentimental and practical attachment to the house had zero opportunity to buy it. We were non-important, powerless, virtually invisible spectators in the whole thing even though it affected us the most. No one cared what we thought or how this affected us in any way.

There are definitely some hard lessons I learned from this that I hope can benefit others who go through something similar or for those of you who know someone who goes through something similar. First, while our house was on the path to foreclosure, the bank (GMAC) put it on the market rather than letting it actually be foreclosed on. They started it out at its original appraised value and lowered it a few times after no one took it. Eventually it was sold for about $60,000, about half of it's appraisal value (which I think was too high anyway). So even if this foreclosure moratorium bill passes, people will still lose their homes if the bank simply sells the house since it won't be considered a foreclosure. Even selling our house for half of it's alleged worth got them more money than letting it be foreclosed and auctioned off. In the case where it's being marketed to be sold, make sure before it's listed that you specifically lay out what is yours-- what you intend on taking with you-- and what is part of the house. Once it's written in as part of the house, it's legally supposed to stay if it's sold. Such was the case with our relatively new garage door opener. I had hoped to sell it to make some money and spent a few hours taking it off the last day we were there. After all my work I come to find a few days later it was "part of the contract" and had to be returned, something I was pretty irritated about (I found out in the middle of Heather's graduation). They also tried to say the motion-sensor lights I had removed were "part of the contract" but I informed them that those were bought and installed by me and as such were not something the bank could write into a contract. Me putting them on the house did not make them property of the bank. I have plans to install them here anyway. So anyway, make sure you protect your property and know the difference between YOUR actual property and what the bank can claim as part of the house. The bank owns the house, but not necessarily everything attached to or in it.

The other thing I really learned about was how to handle help. We had to do the moving mostly ourselves; obviously we can't afford to save our house so we certainly couldn't afford to hire someone to move us or even rent a moving truck. Without the help of our friends and family I don't know what we would've done. First, I was a bit taken aback by the almost complete absence of my extended family; not just physical help but even seeing how we were doing. We all got together on Mother's Day (two days before we left the house for good) and only one of them asked if we were done moving (which we weren't). And no, I'm not talking about my extended family that lives in other states: I'm talking about the extended family that lives here in Kent and in the general area. It was like they didn't even know it was going on. I've noticed my Ridinger side tends to treat certain crises like they aren't happening; that's how they deal with them. That leads to the next lesson learned: offering help. The vast majority of the help we received was from members of our local ward (congregation) and even my friend Erica drove here all the way from Salem to lend her services and her truck. While this was all unfolding we definietly knew we needed help, but losing a home is such a traumatic and emotional experience, the last thing I wanted to do was inconvenience someone by asking them to come over for hours. On top of that, the stress with packing and sorting is so much (along with normal life still going on) you really don't want to take time to call a bunch of people nor do you even think about it. There's too much else to worry about. Sure we had a lot of people say "call if you need us" which I greatly appreciated, but in the end it wasn't really much help at all. I found the best way was to call us and see how we were doing and find out when we were planning on packing the car and possibly what else we needed. In other words, specifics rather than a general "call us if you need help" since we obviously DID need help. That's not to say I didn't appreciate the offers and recognize that people were aware and willing, but in the end it put another burden on us to go track them down and hope we didn't need help when it was inconvenient for them. The best service we got was having extra hands to load the cars and when people volunteered their truck, van, and/or trailer. It made such a difference in helping it go faster and allowing us to move larger things that we just couldn't fit in our car. But even more so, it was mentally uplifting to realize we weren't alone. So, call ahead, get specifics, and let them know when you can be there rather than a non-commital, general "call us if you need us." And for those of you who offered general help, please don't take offense or think we didn't appreciate the offers. But in retrospect and going through this from my end, I don't think we ever called anyone that offered general help because we just didn't have the time or energy (physical and mental!) to call. It was just one more thing to do on a loooooong list. I only see it this way after going through it.

So yeah, I definitely still harbor a lot of anger and frustration over the whole experiece; losing the house, how we were treated, the near lack of acknowledgement by my extended family this was even happening, and now the aftermath. It'll be awhile before I can truly say I've "moved on" and "gotten over it" and I'm definitely learning more about myself and the whole concept of forgiveness. And heaven help my ex-neighbors if I ever see them again. They will get an earful. At the same time, I am truly grateful for all the help we did receive from friends and family, particularly my Derby grandparents and the Robisons. Without the help there is NO way we would've been able to finish on time if at all and likely wouldn't have gotten any symphathy from our ex-neighbors and certainly none from GMAC (they originally wanted us out by like April 30 or some crazy day like that).

So it begins

The real estate company our kind-hearted mortgage company (none other than the latest bailout recipient GMAC) has hired in an attempt to sell our house has wasted little time getting things ready to market it. The agent came over on the morning of December 31st with my dad to just walk through and take notes and then was here again yesterday afternoon to take pictures of the outside, get measurements of every room but the bathroom and basement (we took those for him while he took the pictures), plus he also placed the "for sale" sign in the front yard. Lovely. I was told by my mom that he's a really nice guy and that he likes our hardwood floors (which desperately need finished again!). He's also willing to work with us in terms of visits so that we are here when (IF) he brings someone who wants to see the house. I haven't been able to find the listing online yet.

I'm sure the guy is a great guy and in a way I feel bad for him since he has to deal with this kind of thing (trying to sell a potential foreclosure). However, the bottom line is that his ultimate goal (selling the house) and our ultimate goal (staying in the house) clash unless we somehow bought this house, so like you would root for a favorite player on an opposing team to do well except when he's playing your team, that's how I see this agent. I wish him the best, but not on this sale. If he accomplishes what he's after, we're out of a home pretty quick. Basically, we're not on the same team! I felt like I was working against myself by cooperating with getting the measurements. About the only thing that got me through it was realizing that this agent is simply that: an agent. He isn't the source of our problems, though he does kind of represent them at the moment. Mom told us he has advised us to answer questions to any perspective buyers, but not to "volunteer information." Gee, I wonder why not. I was also somewhat irked to find that we're considered "tenants" in this house. TENANTS! We've lived here for 26 years as of this month and we're just mere tenants. It's insulting and humiliating at the same time, like we've been renting all this time. The only thing more frustrating is not having the power to be able to do anything about it until at least May, and even then it would be unlikely to do much until the late Summer or early Fall. The good news for us is that a house down the street (which is bigger and in MUCH better shape than ours) has been on the market now for almost a year, so the chances of this one selling are actually fairly low. There's another house in the neighborhood that I'm pretty sure was foreclosed on before the summer and has been unoccupied since at least last Spring (the wild overgrown lawn for most of the summer gave it away) that is also on the market. This house will be on the market for 90 days, so basically through the end of March/beginning of April. I'm so glad I won't have anything important to worry about in the meantime. Oh wait...

Notes on pictures: 1. The "for sale" sign in the front yard...ugh; 2. The sign at the end of our street directing any interested buyers to our house (not that it's hard to miss...there are all of 5 houses on our short street).

Hopeful news

I wish I had wonderful news to report that all the problems related to the house were solved. Unfortunately, that's not really the case, though that doesn't mean all is lost at the moment. In terms of immediate problems, we seem to have the issue of paying the various bills (electricity, gas, groceries, etc.) taken care of as the three of us seem to be bringing in just enough money to cover that. I feel that as far as the bills go, we will be OK for now. As for the house, that's a different story. The good news is that it's unlikely we'll be forced to leave due to foreclosure anytime until about a year from now. I spoke with a man who responded to my request for information on a website that is part of some national association of foreclosure prevention or something like that. He said basically that as long as my dad owns the house there is little he (or we) can do to stop the foreclosure, especially since we have no way to even think about paying the monthly mortgage payments, which is around $1,700, not to mention insurance and property taxes. The glimmer of hope is that should I somehow get a job and be able to start making some sort of monthly payment on the house after I graduate in May, there could be a way we could still save the house. He also said that adjustable rate mortgages, which is what has played a huge role in the house becoming too expensive for my dad to handle, is a tool that was incorrectly used on this house. Adjustable rate mortgages are more for investors who take a mortgage out to fix a house (or houses) and raise the market value of the property and then have the rate lowered. He also said many mortgage companies began using this tool as a way to attract new customers with the false hope that they could have the rate reduced. Like here, most times it goes up.

Of course I would rather not take over a $1,700/month mortgage payment, so if we somehow keep the house I would definitely want to try and reduce that as much as possible. Many people, particularly those close to the situation who know the problems the house has in general keep wondering why we don't just walk away when we can. One thing people need to understand about me is I am someone who is not only fiercely loyal, but I also tend to get attached to things and places. We have lived in this house for 25 years, so basically my entire life (we moved here when I was 10 months old) this has been home, so my attachment to the house and the yard is pretty deep, almost like it's a member of the family. It would be different if I were moving out to my own place, but losing the house is just something I cannot even fathom right now; it's like thinking about losing a loved one as far as I feel. I realize I have personified the house, but can you blame me? It's played a huge role in my life. Just walking away or even stripping the house when we leave, to me, would be like betraying the house even though I know it's just a "thing" without emotions or feelings.