Grandma Derby and the 'New Normal'

Any of you who read my last post for the new year saw my reference to the health of my Grandma Helen Derby. At the time I wrote that, she was in very poor health and her passing seemed imminent. In fact, it occurred only four days later on January 4th, so it's been just over a month now since it happened.

Grandma's high school senior photo, 1951

What I've learned from all this, or at least been reminded, is that no matter how much time we have to prepare for a loved one's eventual passing, it's still hard when it finally does occur. I had just gotten in from work on January 4th maybe 20 minutes before my grandpa came and told me she was likely passing, so was there when it happened. My mom, aunt, and Grandpa were all there and it was very peaceful. The initial moments weren't all that emotional for me; it was the subsequent time afterwards that I got more emotional as the reality of "it's over" hit me. When I posted the announcement on Facebook with some photos of Grandma, I used the scripture from Revelation 21:4:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

When I read that, it was enough to put me over the edge emotionally and was the first time I really cried about the whole thing. Grandma had been in poor health for a few years by then, and had gone to the hospital in late October before coming home to be on hospice care in late November. In other words, we knew this was coming, and for all intents and purposes, the grandma I knew most of my life was largely gone as she was only a shell of her former self. Even so, that final realization that this latest chapter of my life had closed and that she was now, in fact, gone, was still hard to realize. Even over a month later I have to remind myself that she's not there at all.

Grandma's first year of teaching, 1965

Now let's get one thing straight: I most certainly believe in the eternal nature of our souls and that death is merely a stage in our existence. In other words, Grandma is no longer with us here, but that doesn't mean she no longer exists. I could do an entire blog post of why I believe that so strongly, but suffice it to say, there isn't an issue here of my Gradma's passing feeling like a complete and total loss. In the end, I believe I will see her again and she's merely in a different place right now.

Grandma in 1954 when she lived in Long Beach, California

Grandma was huge into family history, so I have no doubt she's interacting not only with her family members who have gone before her, but also all the people she did research for, which is literally in the thousands. Quite often when I was growing up, when I visited my grandparents, Grandma was busy doing some sort of family history work, be it filling out forms, verifying vital information, or doing digital indexing on scanned records. I even went with her on some of her family history trips to gather information. The trip I remember most was a drive down to West Virginia when I was in second grade. What I remember most about the trip were two things: it was my first time that I remember seeing cardinals up close (quite a few outside the window of the house we were staying), and the lady we stayed with had this large clock that I just loved. I remember I kept secretly hoping she'd give it to me for some reason. Even better, I got to leave school early for that trip, YES!

Grandma and Grandpa in 1980 at a family reunion. I'm fairly certain this is an early "selfie" :)

But even with the knowledge and beliefs I have, the adjustment, as anyone who has lost a loved one can attest, isn't easy. I have referred to it as the "new normal". In thinking about it, every day we make adjustments to our daily routine, whether it be a slightly different route, a new food, new clothes, etc. But every so often, major changes occur in our lives, like a new place to live, a new child, new spouse, new job, etc. All of these things cause us to adjust what is "normal". The same is obviously true when someone passes away; the difference is that now we don't have the option of contacting them at all. When we move or bring someone new into our lives, dynamics may change in who and how we interact with others, but we typically still interact with them. Moving to a new place may prevent us from interacting more frequently with certain people, but we most likely still interact with those we want to, like friends and family. But someone passing away is so different, which is why it seems like it takes longer to adjust. You never fully "get over" missing that person; you simply learn to adjust to their absence.

Like I said earlier, I had plenty of time to adjust to Grandma not being home as she was in the hospital and rehab the first time she got sick about two years ago, and then again between late October and late November when she was in the hospital. Even so, again, it's different when someone isn't home and you know they're somewhere else. The absence now is permanent; she's not somewhere I can just call or go visit.

Christmas Eve dinner 2012 in Kent

It's important to understand that everyone grieves differently and adjusts to that "new normal" in equally different ways. In all honesty, this is largely new territory for me, Yes, I have lost family members, but prior to this, the only direct family members I lost were great-grandparents, and the most recent was over 16 years ago, when my great-grandma died at the age of 95. While I saw her regularly, it certainly wasn't an everyday occurrence, so her loss wasn't much of a change in my life. The closest I've been was the loss of our family dog in late 2006, followed by the family cat a few months later. In those cases, especially our dog, the adjustment took about a year to fully make, partially because I was away at school when he died. The hardest thing to adjust to was the quiet and his physical absence.

The best way I adjusted back then and how I have done so this time is sharing memories. Sharing good memories, especially humorous ones, gets us to smile and laugh, which on its own can be therapeutic. Further, it makes it seem more like the person is simply absent as opposed to gone, so even if you don't believe in an afterlife or the eternal nature of our souls, you can still feel like the person is just away for a season instead of gone. But no, as I said, we don't ever "get over" someone being gone and there are times we really wish we could talk to that person. Instead, we simply learn to adjust to that missing part of our lives as we acclimate to our "new normal".

Grandma and Grandpa with my brother Andy and sister-in-law Heather back in 2008 in Kent. This is how I  remember Grandma the most.

I've included the obituary for my Grandma that ran in the Record-Courier on January 6. I wrote the obituary, my first time writing such a thing. The online version can be read here. The only changes I need to make are first, we verified her graduation years from Kent State. She got her Bachelor of Science in Education in 1968, her Master's in Education in 1973, and a Reading Specialist degree (which she regarded as equivalent to a doctorate) in 1976. Second, the mission to the Toronto Temple was 1994-1995. I will add that I feel myself very fortunate to have had all four grandparents be part of my life for so long. And it's not like I'm all alone in that regard now as I still have three grandparents alive and well right here in the area. I will definitely miss my grandma's dry humor and even the things she would fret about (most notably the electric bill), along with her high sensitivity to salt (pretty much any hint  of salt was "too salty") and her complete dislike of anything even remotely spicy (pepperoni was too spicy). Once spring returns I full intend to get all the gardens back up and productive after a year they were mostly left on their own (besides the flowerbeds around the house). Grandma loved to garden and I enjoy it too. Along with that, I've made sure to keep the houseplants watered in the house, something I took over awhile back once she wasn't able to move as frequently. Until we meet again!

Ukraine adventure: Berezhany

At the outset of the trip, Katie told me that we would go to Berezhany (Бережани) last, basically to "transition" me from the big and more modern city of Kyiv, down to Lviv, down to Ternopil, and finally to Berezhany. That may have been so, but it also saved the best for last, in my opinion. That's not to say that I didn't have some wonderful experiences seeing beautiful sights and meeting some incredible people in the other cities we visited, but Berezhany was definitely my favorite part of the trip.

Berezhany, like Ternopil and Lviv, has been in several different countries through its existence, which dates back to 1375. Just in the 20th century alone, it was part of Austria-Hungary (until 1918), West Ukrainian People's Republic (1918), Poland (1918-1939), Nazi Germany (1941-1944), the Soviet Union (as part of the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic, 1939-1941, 1944-1991), and Ukraine (since 1991). The name of the city has two theories. One is that it comes from the word for riverbanks, which in Ukrainian is берег ("bereh", набережні or "nahberezhni" is embankments) and in Polish is brzegi, so it means "of or on the riverbanks". Another theory is that it comes from the word for birch tree, which in Polish is brzoza and in Ukrainian is береза ("bereza"). The Polish name of the city is Brzeżany, and it was part of the Kingdom of Poland for the first nearly 200 years of the city's history (until 1569). It was near the end of that time the Berezhany Castle, probably the city's best-known landmark, was built in the 1530s and 1540s.

Like Ternopil, though, while there were some really beautiful sights in Berezhany that I enjoyed being able to see, the people I met there were what really made the place special to me and stand out as a major highlight. I especially enjoyed meeting many of Katie's students, friends, and associates in town and at her school. One of my favorite activities we did was one afternoon we took several students on a hike to the hills east of town. Not only was the hill a historic World War I battle site (complete with concrete bunkers still in tact and clearly visible trenches), but spending time with the kids was a lot of fun. Even with the language barrier, it didn't matter. And yes, most of the students had a limited English vocabulary, but often times I simply relied on Katie to give me the gist of what they were telling me.

At the beginning of our hike, we passed the home of these two little girls, whom Katie knows, so they were quite excited to see her! Katie said that littlest girl reminded her of a Cabbage Patch doll. SO freaking cute!

View of town from the eastern hills.

With Katie and some of the boys who came on our hike. We had a great time!

View of town higher up with the driveway

The scenery was beautiful and the hike was fun, except for all the bugs! Everywhere! This was Katie's solution!

I soon joined Katie with my own variation of a bug shield!

Kids playing on a World War I bunker. This area is called Lysonya and was the site of battles during the war between the Russians and Austrian-German forces, which included Turks and Ukrainians.

Trenches from the war. Hard to imagine what it was like then.

Kids playing on the bunker. Considering what it was originally built for, I thought kids playing on it was a much better use.

Another bunker. There were at least three that we saw in the immediate vicinity

More trenches, but these ones filled with garbage, which was a regular problem all over Ukraine. The kids that understood English got a lesson from me about the word "lazy". I was very pleased when they finished the snack we came with, one of the students made sure to collect all the garbage! YES! Don't be lazy and leave it all behind!

Heading back to town...what a view!

Another beautiful view of Berezhany looking west

The domes of St. Volodymyr and Holy Trinity are very visible anywhere in town.

Got back to town and couldn't figure out where the rest of the group went. Oh well! We knew how to get back and ended up getting a ride from the school director! Score!

That hike was after spending much of the day outside playing games at the school. I played frisbee and ladder toss with the students on what was a beautiful day. I remember that morning we got lunch and then Katie asked if I wanted to see the museum or go to the school and see what was going on. I chose the school, not because I didn't want to see the museum, but more I wanted to get to know the students. Glad I did because it was such a great day.

While I was there, the school was on their Spring Break, so the students there were mainly the orphans. The school Katie is at is what is called an "internat" (інтернат), which basically translates to boarding school. Instead of a foster care system, orphans are sent to internats, a relic of the Soviet era. The Berezhany Internat also has students who aren't orphans, some with behavioral issues and others who are sent there by parents or social workers. As a result, the main school building has both classrooms and dorm rooms. The campus also includes an outdoor basketball court and small playground, a large athletic field, a building with a gymnastics room, adjacent weight room, and offices, another classroom building for grades 1-3, art classes, animals, and the nurse, a cafeteria building, and a building with the computer lab and manual training classes. Across the street is another building with some offices, the school library, and a small auditorium. Several of the rooms have been renovated recently and the main school building was in the process of being renovated both inside and out. I was particularly impressed by the colorful murals painted in the gymnastics room, cafeteria, and the kindergarten rooms, which were painted by one of the teachers. So bright, fun, and cheerful! I hope the students and staff realize how much work goes into creating something like that and appreciate it. I certainly did!

Katie walking down the street towards her school. The edge of the main building can be seen in the left background. The building in the right background is the cafeteria/kitchen building.

Main gate off Ruska Stree. The main school/dorm building is in the background. The building on the left is the gymnasium, which is a school for grades 7-11, similar to a high school. It is a completely separate school from the Internat. 

Katie in front of the Gymnasium school

Front of the main building of the Berezhany Internat. The part behind the tree was undergoing restoration while I was there (inside and out), hence the scaffolding. Looks great! This building has classrooms on the first floor, dorm rooms on the third floor, and a mix of dorm and classrooms on the second floor. 

Back of the main building, which obviously needs some work! Some of the playground equipment can be seen along with the playing field in the foreground. 

The cafeteria building can be seen in the center background with the main building on the left and the Gymnasium school on the right. It boggles my brain that the Internat and Gymnasium not only share a campus and some facilities, but are physically this close together and reportedly do not cooperate or get along. 

Katie playing racquetball with some of the students on the basketball court behind the main building 

View from the athletic field behind the main building. Katie's office is in the building on the far left, which also has a weight room and a large room for gymnastics. The building in the center has classes for grades 1-3, art, and a room with several animals the students take care of. You can see more of the playground equipment too. 

Back of the main building with the playground equipment.

Auditorium, which is located in a building across the street from the cafeteria. This building also has some offices and the school library.

Kindergarten room. The mural was one of many in the school. The artist is one of the kindergarten teachers. She was in the room when I took this picture. I absolutely love the murals! So happy and cheerful. Hopefully the students appreciate and enjoy them as much as I did!

Dorm room

Classroom

Katie is always popular, but especially when she has gum, hand sanitizer, and/or stickers! Hands out!

Architecturally, even in a town the size of Berezhany (population approximately 18,000), there was plenty for me to see. In addition to the castle, the main church on the market square, Holy Trinity, was beautiful inside and out, similar inside to the cathedral in Ternopil. There is also another church that is quite visible on the skyline that I later came to find is St. Voloydymr. I wasn't sure if the church was even being used or not while I was there, but after getting home found that it's apparently under construction. The main dome was completed just recently. It's an orthodox church, but whatever organization is responsible for its construction doesn't have an online presence I can find. I'm not sure if it's a case of the church being rebuilt or built new. My guess is it's being rebuilt based on the apparent age of the front of the building, plus many churches in the old USSR are being rebuilt. They were either destroyed in the war or were destroyed by the government. St. Voloydymyr is a defining aspect of the Berezhany skyline, so hopefully at some point they decide to light the domes at night. Right now it's not lit, so I didn't even know it was there when I first arrived until the next morning. What a surprise looking out the window and seeing it there! I also enjoyed the lake, city hall, and the sign at the far eastern edge of town. Katie and I walked out there and while it was a bit of a walk, it was worth it for the photos we got there!

My first view of Berezhany from Katie's apartment the morning after I arrived! Beautiful! It totally took me by surprise because when we arrived the night before, I couldn't see any of this.

St. Volodymyr, which is apparently still under construction. Hopefully I can find out more about this building, such as the history and plans. It's become quite the prominent landmark in town now!

Monument built in 1991 originally to commemorate friendship between Russia and Ukraine. With all the troubles in eastern Ukraine with Russia and Russian separatists, though, now I'm told it's a monument to the friendship or unity of east and west Ukraine. No love for Russia in western Ukraine, that's for sure! 

Katie in her town, heading towards the main square

Main market (ринок or "rynok") square. The church is a Roman Catholic Church, Holy Trinity Church (Церква Святої Трійці). The golden domes are apparently a more recent improvement to the building. Older photos show them as silver colored. 

This photo of Berezhany, located on the town square, is from around 2004. You can see the silver domes of the Holy Trinity Church, and the lack of domes on St. Volodymyr in the background (only its front towers are visible). The other large church with the red roof is another Catholic Church

Holy Trinity Church. It has obviously been renovated recently (looks great!) and all the trees in town have been "trimmed". 

Interior of Holy Trinity Church, While we were there, they were doing a blessing of holy water. I wasn't sure about getting photos, so did so very discreetly! :)

City Hall with Holy Trinity Church and the town square in the background

I saw this the first day I was in Berezhany and found out while I was there that it's the ruins of the synagogue. As far as I could find, it was destroyed in the war. Like many cities in this part of Ukraine, Berezhany was part of Poland before WWII and had a sizable Jewish community. This building is just a few hundred feet from Katie's school.

Scene along the dam, on the north edge of town

Yes we had waaay too much fun on the sign...

Bridge to the castle and also a restaurant (seen in background) we ate at twice! Yes it was great! The castle is actually on a small island in between two branches of the river. 

I enjoyed not only meeting Katie's students, but many of her other friends in town too. It is of no surprise to me that Katie has been able to make many friends in Berezhany! All of us knew that would be the case when she first went to Ukraine! I enjoyed meeting all of them and getting to talk to them, either directly or through Katie. I particularly enjoyed meeting Nadiya, who teaches English at the Gymnasium school adjacent to the Internat, as well as Irina, her two boys, and Svetlana! With Irina, Svetlana, and the boys, we had an impromptu concert and lots of fun (and cake and ice cream!!!). Seriously it was one of the most fun nights AND I got to wear my new Ukrainian shirt.

Katie with Sventlana, Irina, and the boys! What a fun night we had!

We visited Svetlana's little doggy, whose name is сосиска (Sosyska), which means sausage :)

What a trip! I hope sometime soon I am able to return to Ukraine and see all these wonderful places again, especially Berezhany. Katie said she'd like to return in two years when some of her students graduate, and I hope she can! As I was getting this post ready, I was very happy to see some updates from Berezhany about improvements around town, in this case updating the big bulky informational boxes around the town square that were clearly neglected and empty. Such a thrill to see photos of them being fixed, painted, and filled with beautiful artwork! SO MUCH potential in Berezhany! What a town!