Perspectives

I have a lot on my mind right now, some pleasant, some not so pleasant. To say I'm stressed is an understatement, though I am not overwhelmed just yet. I seem to be managing the new calling and grad school OK, though I definitely need to do a better job of prioritizing my time and getting the things done that actually need to be done first before I do the extras (like blogging!).

Still no word on the status of the house other than the status quo. As far as I know the payment was made for June, but I'm not sure how much longer those payments will be made. Once they stop it is only a matter of time before the foreclosure sets in, though it is anyone's guess when the foreclosure will actually happen and when we will actually lose the house. Somehow this is going to work out; how I do not know. It is frustrating not knowing what's going to happen and kind of existing in limbo here. I'd feel better about things if school wasn't hanging over my head right now and looming ahead of me like a long tunnel with no end. I know, no sooner will I begin then it will be over, but right now the end seems so far off. That said, I'm amazed how fast these three weeks have gone by already. Having a four-day week helps though, a LOT. If I've learned anything from this experience (which is by no means over), it's knowing what to say and what not to say to people enduring or facing something like this. I've gotten a lot of "advice" over the past month-and-a-half from people that know about the situation and I can say this: sympathy and just offering to be there for support are the best routes. Advice of what to do "when [we] lose the house" or "everything will be OK" doesn't do much for helping me to feel good about what's going on or do anything to improve the situation. On top of that, it's all coming from people who currently enjoy stability and security in their income and residence. It's easy to tell someone to "not worry" about something when you don't have to worry about or have never had to worry about it yourself. It's also easy to give advice on what to do knowing that you would never have to follow that advice yourself and wouldn't want to either.

The next person that tells me to get a job is going to get an earful from me, seriously. Let me reiterate the situation concerning a job one more time: even if I did hold a job right now, it would only be part-time and would not allow financial independence, so I'd be living at home anyway. Since graduate school is a new experience for me, I figure I might as well focus my energies there. I'm not even doing the Kirtland show I've done the last three summers (opens this week...good luck guys!) so that I can focus on grad school and save money on gas. Once the fall semester starts in August, even a part-time job will be out of the question because of the demands of school. Few people seem to realize that the program I am doing is not a typical grad school program of 2-3 years. This is an intense one-year program which demands full attention. During both the fall and spring semesters, I will not only be going to classes, but I will also be student teaching at a school to be announced. So basically, it will be like I have a full-time job with no pay or benefits but all the accompanying stress. The issue here is NOT that I want to live here rent free so I can be dependent on my dad for as long as possible. The issue is that I have to be dependent for one more year so I can finish school and get a decent, steady job so I CAN become financially independent. I get the feeling, particularly from my own extended family, that people think I'm just milking the system here. And as I've said before, people telling me to get a job doesn't help me find a decent job any quicker, nor does it address the root of the problem, which is that I can't get a decent job yet, no matter how much I want it. And yes, I have held jobs and lived on my own before, so it's hardly a case of "not wanting to grow up".

I guess, in the end, my advice to someone like me is to hang in there and do what you feel is necessary and right. I certainly understand that most people giving me "advice" are doing so for my benefit; they want me to succeed and they're trying to help. In other words, the efforts are well-intended, but lack full perspective. Also, some things have been said without regard to how they can and are being received. I guess it's a good thing I'm so laid back, otherwise I could be really offended right now! It's common to hear the phrase that the world is "black and white" or "shades of gray" in terms of our choices and what is right and wrong. I am here to tell you both are wrong: the world is in living color. In physics, when light is absent we only see black and when light is low we only see "shades of gray"; no colors. The same applies spiritually. When we have the full spectrum of light, we can see all the colors clearly; we can see when something is wrong and when something is right and when "exceptions" are appropriate. In addition to that, there are many "hidden" colors we can't see like infared and ultraviolet light. When we have the proper equipment we can see those, so having the "proper equipment" is like having a full perspective as well. I've also figured that colored light can stand for a single perspective; like in physics, something that is red will look vastly different in blue light or yellow light than it will in white light or red right. Sometimes we let our own perspectives and prejudices alter views of reality and refuse to see other perspectives. Again, without the full spectrum (white light) we can't see all the colors or see them they way they should be seen.